What it’s like being married…with anxious attachment
(If you’re not already familiar, Attachment Theory was developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Attachment styles are the types of emotional patterns we developed in response to our caregivers in childhood. While there are variations, the four main attachment types are Anxious: worried about rejection and abandonment, needs constant reassurance, seeks closeness, Avoidant: highly independent, uncomfortable with deep closeness, seeks to create distance, Fearful avoidant (disorganized): desires closeness but fears rejection, struggles with trust and emotional regulation, and Secure: trusts easily, comfortable with intimacy, navigates communication and conflict well.)
When my husband spends more time at work or with friends than with me (in my perception), I start to feel unloved, and not beautiful or desirable enough. My abandonment wounds get triggered.
Sometimes I might accuse my husband of not caring for me. I might critique every action he’s made recently.
I’ll start to nitpick all the ways my husband hasn’t shown up for me. I’ll find evidence that supports the belief that he doesn’t choose me or support me enough. I’ll engage in thoughts of character assassination wherein my husband is the enemy and I’m the victim.
This leads to thoughts like “We’re not going to make it. I need to find someone who chooses me and puts me first. Maybe this marriage isn’t going to last.” And I might start to imagine us separating, me moving out and living on my own, dating other people to try and find a more "perfect" partner.
Then this often results in fears of “well I’ll never find anyone else. I’ll end up alone. I’ll sink into a deep pit of depression that I won’t be able to crawl out of. Maybe I’m not good enough to be loved, to be chosen.”
The downward spiral is rapid and vicious. The need for constant validation and reassurance is exhausting, and it often leaves me feeling deeply insecure.
Fortunately, I’ve become aware enough over the years of my anxious attachment and the stories it tells me about love and worthiness. I’ll sit with those fears and start to pick them apart. I’ll find evidence of the times my husband has supported me. I’ll recognize that he’s allowed to have his own life, and this doesn’t mean I’m not a priority. Thankfully, my husband is loving and patient and listens when I share these fear thoughts as they come up.
I know where my attachment issues originated. Now, when I get triggered, I’m learning to reassure my inner child that she’s safe, that she no longer has to chase, control, or test the people in her life.
In these moments, I can choose to love myself. This helps the fear of abandonment to dissipate, and it relieves pressure on the people in my life to fill all my needs.
What's your attachment style? What does it look like for you? How do you show up for yourself in those moments?
If you want to better understand your attachment styles, a great place to start is looking at your Venus and Moon placement in your birth chart. Ready to explore? Book a session with me.
